Arranged Marriage

My son, Meyer, is engaged.

I happily accept all of your congratulations and mazel tovs.

I also freely admit that he is only a few months old, just met his fiance and drooled in her general direction for the first time this weekend, and is quite some time away from being able, physically even, to say “I do.”

But those are minor details.

Meyer’s fiance is named Ellen.

He was born on January 31.

She is a Leap Day baby.

Meyer was born 3 months premature, and I’m convinced he came early just because he wanted to be older, not younger, than his intended.

It probably goes without saying that Ellen is the daughter of one of my very best friends.

Someone who’s like family to me.

So what’s so wrong with me wanting to make that family title official?

Granted, I’m not considering any say Meyer might want to have in the matter of his future life partner.

And although I was the kind of independent, stubborn child who would’ve gone postal over the mere suggestion that my parents would choose what cereal I would eat in the morning, much less my future husband, I’ve rethought the idea of arranged marriage as an adult.

And I think it’s just peachy.

In fact, Ellen’s mother and I talked rehearsal dinners (I’m thinking luau) and possible destination weddings (I suggested Hawaii; she thought budget-friendly Cancun) this past weekend.

We also began to take all the cutesy photos of them together that will elicit the most passionate oohs and aahs during their rehearsal dinner slide show.

In fact, we put them naked in a baby bathtub together Saturday night for absolutely no other reason except to take their picture together for said slide show.

The whole event will be simply fabulous.

I just hope Meyer’s not one of those kids that’s all into FREE WILL and crap like that.

After all, mother knows best.

And what’s best for him is to know that his own family and his wife’s family will love each other and get along swimmingly.

In fact, unlike most husbands, he won’t even need to worry about dividing up his holidays. We’ll just do them together as one big happy family.

After meeting delightful baby Ellen for the first time, I’m really not worried that Meyer will choose to mess up my lovely arrangements for him.

There’s no way he’ll be able to resist falling in love with that face.

And once his mom and I get the wedding plans finalized, which should be within the year, we can get right to work picking out names for their children.

After all, I didn’t get to use any of those baby girl names I’ve picked out over the years.

Yep. I’ve got my eye on someone for Asher too.

I reject your modern times. Bahahahahahaha!