1. I can no longer enjoy a hearty laugh or even experience an impromptu sneeze without peeing myself a little. I’m writing the Depends Adult Diaper people to suggest a sleeker version for those of us who just pee a tad and not a full stream.
2. The dead-of-night surprise of sudden foot cramps so painful I shoot out of bed from a deep sleep and start hopping around on one foot while holding the other and yelping, “Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch” like a cartoon character. Somehow Gabe sleeps right through this drama every time. Which just makes me want to poke him awake and then say, “Man, those cramps are rough. Sorry I woke you.”
3. Suddenly having my early pregnancy nausea change its mind and return after leaving for 2 months. Last week, Asher, who is extremely attached to his little frog potty and refuses to use a regular toilet while at home, both peed and pooped in the little potty, making a delightful poopy soup. I started gagging as soon as I picked it up and once I’d deposited it in the big potty, I threw up on top of it. This shit is glamorous.
4. Hitching up my stretchy waist-band pregnancy pants ALL DAY LONG. I sit then stand — I pull them back up. I walk 4 steps, somehow causing them to work their way down my hips a couple of inches — I pull them back up. All day long, yank, yank, yank, yank, hitch, hitch, hitch, hitch. I think I may just go full mu-mu for the next 4 months.
5. Boobs so big that there is no bra in existence that can handle them. I’m thinking of hiring a couple of midgets to carry them around for me all day. I don’t mean to offend little people, but clearly there’s a (lack of) height requirement, and kids are no good because of those pesky child labor laws.
6. Areolas the size of silver dollar pancakes. Without any exaggeration. At all.
7. The inability to see anything under my belly, most notably, my bikini line. I grab the razor, shave blindly, and bravely hope for intact private parts.
8. A recently acquired inability to sleep through the night, which I’m sure is an indication of the future sleeping disposition of the child I’m carrying. I toss and turn all night — no easy feat with a big belly and a giant body pillow. And then there’s the handy internal hormonal alarm clock which goes off every morning around 5am and refuses to shut off or even snooze for 4 minutes. Just what my family and friends need — a cranky, hormonal pregnant woman who is even crankier because she can’t freaking sleep.
9. Tears, nay — crying jags, that appear out of nowhere for beyond ridiculous reasons. With my first pregnancy, my husband caught me hiding in the kitchen with the water running at full blast to cover the jagged breaths and wails of a complete meltdown. When he asked me what was wrong, I said — no kidding — “I dripped red popsicle on my shirt.” A few weeks ago, I started blubbering while watching an episode of “Dance Moms.” A show I am so mortified to admit I watched that I feel like crying again right now.
10. Well-meaning strangers, usually in the check-out line at the grocery store or Target, who all ask the same questions. “When are you due?” Followed by, “Is it a boy or a girl?” Followed by “What are you going to name him?” And then proceed to reach out and try to rub my belly!!!
I swear, this time I’m having a t-shirt made that says,
Please Don’t Touch
The Boy With No Name
Due April 13
Red Popsicle! I *feel* you. I’ve been there.
April is a lovely time to have a kid. If birthing can ever be called lovely.
HA! Hitching up my pants is a time consuming hobby. Love reading your blog.. it must be something about being five months pregnant that makes you write a list, I did the same thing http://excitementontheside.com/2011/08/05/cha-cha-cha/
I am a lazy blog reader and read via an RSS feed so I don’t comment as often as I like, but I will be back.
Loved it! Thanks for sharing.
This is hysterical! So, so, so true. I often cried because I wasn’t sure I really wanted to have a baby. Haha! A little late, when you’re 6 months pregnant. Its so weird, though, because I can’t IMAGINE not having him now, and it’s like he’s always been here. Hormones are a cruel bitch.
I am so glad to know I’m not the only one who feels that way. But as you said, 5 months along is a little too late to change your mind.
Oh GOD that was a funny list! I feel like I almost recovered from the pregnancy-sneeze-pees, but even 20 months later, I’m still scared of it. Even though it is, like you say, just a tad.
My old due date was April 12! I highly recommend birthing around then. The weather is so nice. I think I went full bikini the week of but didn’t get in any kind of water. I just bathed in the sun like a turtle. But mind you, I live in Austin.
I totally just cried laughing at the red popsicle. My husband was seriously concerned. But then, I cry because I’m not hungry and nothing sounds good but I need to eat. Last night was epic, when I was literally laughing because I was crying.